"Ethical Wills...give depth and personality to our ancestors."
Rabbi Goldstein Discusses Ethical Wills
The Jewish people are intimately connected with the generations past and yet to be. In every prayer service, we recall our ancestors; on the anniversary of our loved one's passing, we help them live on in our memories; and as children are born, we name them after people in our past whose character we hope they will emulate, as well as honoring those who came before us.
But we also have another beautiful tradition that spans l'dor v'dor, from generation to generation. It is the concept of leaving an ethical will to future generations. Many of us know about modern living wills (to deal with end of life issues), and last wills and testaments (to deal with assets and financial issues). But we as Jews also have a custom of leaving ethical wills, charges to future generations on how to live healthy, moral, and religious lives.
This custom comes from the stories in the Bible. Abraham was told to teach his children and the generations that followed how to "walk in God's ways," how to best live their lives so that their days may increase. Jacob, too, left us an example of how to leave an ethical will. When he blessed his children and grandchildren at the end of his life, he did not leave them anything of monetary value, but rather a glimpse of the past and a prediction of the future. He spoke to them together as a family, and to each child individually and personally. King David, too, left a legacy to his son Solomon, reminding him how to live his life, to improve his character, and how to deal with certain people. Throughout the Middle Ages, Jews left ethical wills to their children, sharing with us aspects of their lives and what values they deemed important. Some of the instructions were moral, some were practical. Many of them were kept.
We are not only able to leave legacies to our children and grandchildren; we are able to give them glimpses into our life and times, to teach them history of the world, our communities and our families. We share with future generations three-dimensional pictures of ourselves, our stories and events, our lessons and values we hold dear. Ethical wills give texture to our family trees and photos; they give depth and personality to our ancestors. No longer are the past generations just names and faces. They are people with real lives. They are family with real connections to the present and future.
There are many ways to write an ethical will. Some have themes; some are filled with humor and light-hearted advice. Some of our ethical wills can focus on our religious hopes for them: to study and learn, to teach and to do; to pray and support the Temple, the Jewish community and Israel. These wills can also have moral and ethical resonance: to support your family, to donate to charities, to work to better the world, to get along with your siblings, to remember to laugh and love. In our ethical wills we share the values we want retained and developed, cherished and nurtured throughout the generations.
These wills do not bequeath anything of monetary value, but they are nevertheless invaluable. These letters and wills are cherished and passed down from generation to generation. Relatives separated by a century or more can intimately know one another, can rely on the example left behind and the advice for the future. When an ethical will is written close to one's death, it allows the writer (and the family) to deal with the passing in a healthy and peaceful way. We must choose our words carefully, knowing they cannot be taken back once we are gone. But an ethical will ensures a sense of completeness, of closure. And there is beauty and comfort in knowing that nothing is then left unsaid.
But it is not only for those at the end of their lives to create ethical wills. Whereas most of us link wills with one's passing, we can begin to create these legacies before our children are even born. Parents can use the opportunities as they stand on the bimah, embracing their child who has just become a bar or bat mitzvah, to relate cherished moments of the past and to begin articulating their hopes and dreams for their child's future. As children get married, parents can present them with lessons learned, advice and promises of support as part of their ongoing, lasting legacy. And at the birth of grandchildren, grandparents can retell stories of their lives, the lives of their children and wishes for the future of that next generation. It is not a process to be left for the end of our lives. If we take the opportunity, we can compose our ethical will throughout our days, looking at every moment as a possible memory to be kept and shared.
Composing an ethical will is not an easy task. It takes courage for us to face up to our failures, evaluate our accomplishments and deal with our own mortality. It takes strength to study the lessons we've learned over the course of our lives. An ethical will does not have to be linked solely to the end of life; it can celebrate life as it is happening, and can help us understand where we stand, what we stand for and how we believe. It is as much a gift for the future generations as it is for ourselves.
